Harry Potter and the Jiblet of Fire!
by Pandamic
Summary: My first parody of the series. Harry and group have once returned to Hogsworth for another fun and exciting year. This time the school just so happens to be having the Tri-Wizard Tournament. But since it's Harry Potter, he has to get involved some way.


The opening scene begins in some old mid century grave yard

Warning: This story is rated Mature. Do not continue reading if you are easily offended by curse words, substitute curse words, sexual themes, innuendoes, excessive violence, and descriptive violence.

Second Warning: Do not continue reading if you are an hardcore Harry Potter fan and believe that he is real (not Daniel Radcliff but the actual Harry Potter). Do not continue if you don't like people poking fun at Harry Potter or any other character, or the world of Magic.

Third Warning: Do not continue reading if you are the type of person who believes that the poster on your wall of Harry Potter speaks to you at night and tells you to burn things.

Fourth Warning: Do not continue reading if you don't have an imagination, sense of humor, or a life.

Fifth and final warning: Do not continue if you are the type of person who believes that a person should follow the book, exactly how it is, because I certainly don't.

Rating: Mature; 18 years old and up.

Reasons: Excessive violence, low level curse words, and some sexual themes.

**HARRY POTTER AND THE GIBLET OF FIRE**

**Prologue: The beginning Scene Thingy**

At some old mid century grave yard, sitting at the top of the hill, over looking the grave yard was an old Scottish chateau that was near a grave yard. Right at the entrance gate of the grave yard is the old necrophilia's house, which was right next to a grave yard.

The old man inside the house was getting his 1:00 am tea ready when he spots a light coming from the old abandon chateau. Angry, at the thought of some horny teens having excessive amounts of orgies in there, decides to intervene.

"Damn dirty apes. Always with their massive orgies and not inviting me." The old man quietly walks up the old creaky chateau stairs, in hopes of catching a glimpse of the orgy. As he reached the top of the stairs, he hears voices.

"Master, I'm sorry I have failed you…I've…I've tried!" Cringed the nasty looking man. The nasty looking man seemed to be scared by someone in the big old arm chair. The only thing that can be seen from the chair was a long skinny green arm with boney fingers attached.

"You have failed us. You have failed us in bringing my precious!" poking at the nasty man with his nasty long green boney fingers. The old man takes a step closer to get a better look at the strange green man when suddenly he steps on a bull horn.

BLLLAAAARRREEEEENNNN

The nasty man jumped at the noise. "What was that?" He quickly got up to open the door. "We have a visitor, master."

"Let me take care of him." The raspy voice from the chair said with a sound of satisfaction.

"What in the world do you mean by that you nasty little leprechaun!" The old man finishes with an angry shaking fist.

"Abarakadaba!" A flash of green light spills out from the green arm's wand, hitting the old man with such intensity that crap slides down the old man's pant leggings.

**CHAPTER 1: Harry "Potty"**

"Good crap all mighty!" Harry sits up in bed after feeling the slap from his best friend, Ron. "Why did you slap me with your hand Ron?" As Harry rubs the red mark on his fore head.

"Who said it was my hand?" He zips up his pants. "You were tossing and turning in bed again Harry."

"Again?"

"Yep, you know what that means."

Harry sighs. Harry throws his blankets off of him to reveal him sitting in a circle of water on his bed. "I promise you Ron, I do not need rubber sheets!" Ron gives him a dumb look. "I don't!"

"What ever mate, just hurry up, you lazy Harry arse! We got to go!"

"Yes! We need to go!" Ginny run's in and hops onto Harry's bed. "Ewww…that's really gross Harry."

"Well you're narsty, Ginny." Harry yanks the blankets from right under her, causing her to tumble to the floor.

"My neck! It's broken!"

"Quiet up jit." Ron slides her under his bed with his foot as her screams are muffled.

"Don't worry about it Harry." Ron looks over at the soaked bed. "Mum can take care of that, we need to hurry up and meet up with dad and the twins."

**CHAPTER 2: Bootleg!**

"Glad to see that you guys could make it." Smiled Mr. Weasley as the kids came closer.

"Harry had another 'dream'." Ginny snickered as she adjusted her neck brace.

"It was a very important dream." Harry goes into a deep thought. "I saw, a man, a hideous mole person, and I think, Smeagle from 'Lord of the Rings'." Harry, feeling embarrassed, looks down at his feet. After several minutes, he realizes that no one was listening nor cared and walked off. "Hey! Wait up!"

Harry finally catches up to them, only to find them in a circle around a boot and all of their hands were touching it.

"Harry! Grab onto the boot!" yelled Mr. Weasley.

"Wot?"

"Harry! Grab onto the damn boot!"

"Wot, wot?"

"Harry! Grab onto the damn, God forsaken boot!"

"Wot, wot, wot?"

"Damn it man!" Mr. Weasly forcibly grabs Harry's hand and slams it onto the boot. As soon as Harry's hand touched the dirty boot, the whole group began spinning in the air like a helicopter, slowly rising up in the air and eventually into the clouds. "Let go everyone!" yells Mr. Weasly. Everyone lets go of the boot except Harry.

"Wot?"

"Damn it boy! No more of this crap" Mr. Weasly slaps Harry across the face and Harry losses his grip and falls. Hermoine, Ginny, Ron, and Harry hit the ground with a thunderous crash.

"My spleen! I broke me bloody spleen!" cried Ron.

"Me neck is broken again!" wailed Ginny.

"I'm pretty." Proclaimed Hermoine.

"Wot, wot?" From dull headed Harry.

"So how did you all enjoy the port key?" asked George as he lightly floated to the ground..

"Wasn't it just a jolly good time?" teased Fred as his feet softly touched the ground.

"Will you two just shut the hell up? I'm tired of all of this twin crap." Mr. Weasley fumed as he gracefully walked on the ground. "Blah blah blah, we are twins and we do everything together. Why can't you all be like Percy? Now that's a true Weasley."

"Be happy that all of your kids are alive." Mr. Diggory said with a sad voice.

"Dad, I'm still alive here." Annoyed with his father, Cedric has had to tell his father this many times before.

"And when they are gone, you wish you could have done more with them." Mr. Diggory began to cry.

Mr. Weasley begins to walk. "Yes, I'll be sure to keep that in mind. Now, come along children, let's get settled in, inside our tent." He leads them to a small little tent. "All right, everyone in."

Hermoine looks at the tent then quickly looks back at Mr. Weasley as if he's gone mad. "Are you mad?"

"I will be if you don't get your cute arse in there!"

Ginny skips right in. "There's more then meets the eye, Hermoine."

Fred walks into the tent. "Don't forget, magic is real here."

George follows after Fred but stops short to look at Hermoine. "Stupid Mud-blood."

A smile grows on Harry's face. "I love magic." Harry charges right in, only to be knocked back. "What the hell?"

Hermoine helps pick Harry up. "What's wrong Harry?"

"I was expecting the tent to look small on the outside but huge in the inside but Ginny, George, and Fred already took up the whole room! The bloody tent is as big as it looks!" Hermoine examines the little 5x5 foot tent.

Mr. Weasley comes up behind Harry. "What were you expecting? Tents are expensive! We all must share this tent!" He pushes his way in. Before Harry goes in, he takes a look around him to take a glimpse of this new area. All around as far as the eye can see are nothing but many little tents which looked to be overcrowded in the inside. The tents all circled around the grand stadium where the World Quidditch Cup Tournament was to be held. Harry was excited to be here, just not in the tiny little tent.

**CHAPTER 3: Death Eater Zombies!**

It was hard to tell if it was the day time or night time. It was minutes before the World Cup was to happen. Fires and wand lights lit up the night sky. Confetti and fire works colored the area. Cheering painted people and hardcore fans filled up the stadium seats. Of course, being a Weasley, gave you the best seat in the house; all the way at the top of the stadium where nothing can be seen except the green field that covered the stadium's floor.

Barely visible and barely audible gray figure stood up in the center podium. Sticking his wand to his neck he used it as a microphone. "Can everyone please be quiet?" The noise continued. "Please quiet down everyone." The noise did not cease. "I was hoping I didn't have to do this." The prime minister took his wand and pressed it against the side of his butt cheek and let out the smelliest, wettest, and grosses fart that could not only be heard, but smelt by everyone. The entire stadium began to gag. "Now that I have everyone's attention. I just wanted to say, Let the game begin!" With that said, an uproar of cheers bellowed out from the once gagging crowd.

Green fireworks shot up into the sky. And the teams' drum line began to play.

"Look Harry! It's the Irish!" as Ron pointed into the sky. The fireworks began to meld together to from a gigantic firework leprechaun that began dancing as the Irish team flew by. Then, a new drum line began as the opposing red team flew right through the dancing firework leprechaun. After being flown through, the firework leprechaun reached out and grabbed the closes audience member and devoured him in which the poor person burned to death in the belly of the leprechaun. "Krum! Krum! Krum! Krum!" was cheered in the stadium.

George, looking in awe. "It's Victor Krum!"

"Victor Krum…" Fred said dreamily as he let his hand slide down his pants.

Ginny elbows Fred." Stopping playing with your wand and pay attention to the

game!"

Hermoine looks over at Harry to notice him struggling to look down at the game. "What's a matter Harry?"

"These damn fools with their pointed hats and skull masks are in my way!"

"Why don't you try asking them to move?"

"Fine, I will!" Harry taps on the tallest pointed hat guy's shoulder. "You fine chaps wouldn't mind moving down to another row hmm?"

Lucious Malfoy turns around. "Why of course we wouldn't mind."

Harry eeps at the sight of Mr. Malfoy. "Eep! Wait a tick…why would you be up here and not at first class sitting?"

"My boy, this is first class seating! Can't you see that all of us up here is using those fancy monocular to watch the show, just like all those other rich people at opera houses?"

Harry looks around and notices that Malfoy is right. "Whoops."

"Whoops is right." Malfoy turns back around to watch the show.

**CHAPTER 4: The Bloody Irish!**

Later that night, the joyous celebration seemed to have died down a little. All except in the tent of the Weasleys.

Ron holds Fred's head in a headlock. "Admit it! The Irish team was cheated!"

"Never! Don't be jealous of Krum's mad skills!"

Harry smiles as he watches this little battle between the brothers happen. Harry then notices that the commotion outside begins to get louder. "Sounds like the winning team is here."

"They bloody hell aren't!" Mr. Weasley comes charging in. "Children, get back to the port key. No questions. Go go go!"

They all run out of the tent screaming their heads off. Harry, being Harry Potter, decides to stay back and see what is causing all of this commotion. He looks behind him to see a row of pointy hooded men with skeleton masks marching in twos, shooting off green blasts in every direction. "Who are they?" Harry gasped as he began to run. Just as he's about to run around a tent, a fat crazed man plows right into Harry, instantly knocking him out cold.

Harry later awakens to silence. As he gazes around, he sees no people, no pointy hat men, and only sees burnt down tents and the glows of dieing fires. As Harry stumbles around in the dark, he sees a man in a leather coat come from the mist. From his jacket pocket, the mysterious man takes out a wand and points it to the sky. A green bolt emits from his wand. As the bolt reaches a certain height, it explodes and begins to from a picture. A picture of a green skull, sticking out it's pink tongue. Staring at awe at this absurd picture, Harry let's out a light pass of gas. The mysterious man turns towards Harry, hearing the passing of gas, and begins to walk towards Harry. Being a wussy, Harry begins to stumble backwards with the man still approaching him. The man finally stops in his tracks when he hears other voices, so he runs off into the mist. "Harry! Where are you?" the voice yells. "I'm here!" Harry jumps up. As his feet hit the ground, several men appear out of no where chanting out a spell. "Pecto Fatso!" Several red energy beams fly from the men's wands, directly at Harry. Due to Harry's miraculous Wussy Senses, he ducks down, avoiding the beams which hit into the man facing opposite of the other. In an instant, all men are down.

"Stop stop! There are children in there!" Mr. Weasley runs into the center of the circle of fallen bodies. He runs in and sees Harry hiding in the center. "Oh…never mind, it's just Harry Potter."

Hermoine comes running to Harry. "Harry!"

Ron follows up too. "Harry, you alright?" Harry grabs Ron and gives him a deep passionate kiss on the lips. Ron slaps the crap out of Harry. "Blimey! What the hell was that for?"

The Prime Minister comes in out of no where. "I know who did all of this!"

Mr. Weasley comes to the side of the Prime Minister. "Who did sir?"

"The bloody Irish!"

"And what makes you say that sir?"

"Just look up! It's a green skull! The Irish are the only ones known to have green fireworks!"

"You better let me tell the children then sir."

"What more is there to tell the children?" The Prime Minister stares at Mr. Weasley in bewilderment. "It was the Irish! THE BLOODY IRISH!" several of the men who finally gained consciousness quietly takes the minister away.

"They are called 'Death Eaters' children. They serve, Him."

Harry let's off a tiny giggle. "And I bet they serve her at dinner meals too!" Far off in the distance, a drum beat was heard. "Bum Bum Bum Dissshhhhh!" Everyone stares at Harry in a weird way. Far off in the distance Harry could hear a voice, "You suck."

**CHAPTER 5: Train rides are fun**

The famous and beloved red train is seen lugging it's big load (ha ha) down the tracks. Inside of the train sat all the annoying students.

Ron sits across from Harry. "Harry, I have a serious question to ask you."

"What is it love?"

"Don't call me that ever again. But anyways, my question is…Have you ever killed a man by taking a paper roll from toilet paper and sticking it down his throat and used the tube as an easier way to drop a mix of ammonia and cough drops?"

"Um…Not yet."

"Good. I'm glad that we could have this… talk." He pats Harry's leg and walks off.

"Weirdo…"

The famous and beloved red train, known for lugging it's big load (ha ha) of children comes to a slow as the old castle is seen into view.

Fred comes (ha ha) into Harry's compartment. "It's a shame they had to sell the place."

"Yeah, I know. Who would have thought that Hogwarts was in so much debt?"

"I could. Why do you think those bloody ghost were living in there? Those blimey blokes were still in debt, even after death."

Harry breathes a small sigh. "I still wish that muggle Walt Disney had erased all of his damn creations." With that said, Dumbo the flying elephant flies past their compartment's windows. Harry glumly looks at the Disney castle, where the horrible Disney characters reside. At the loading dock, the children are greeted by Mickey the Mouse.

"Ha ha, hey kids, welcome back to the Disney castle. Goofy will be driving you all up to the castle."

Goofy stands up and walks up to the first group of kids. "Gorsh, there sure is a lot of you. Well, everyone on board the chariot. Please remember to keep all hands and feet inside the moving vehicle." Goofy stumbles into the drivers seat. "Let's get this beast going! Mush!" He whips the reigns so hard that the Trestrals end up flying up into the sky causing all of the kids to fall out of the chariots, all fall out except Goofy who was smart enough to use his seat belt.

"You think we'll survive this year?" Ron asks Hermoine and Harry.

Hermoine put her arm around Ron. "Of course we will, we're the main characters."

"If only my son could have survived." Mr. Diggory comes out of the train. "If only he was alive, I could tell him how much I love him."

"Dad, I'm still alive!" Cedric throws his stuff to the ground. "What do you not get? I'm alive and will be alive for a very long time." Everyone in the area turns away, some are coughing at this.

**CHAPTER 6: The Giblet of Fire**

The grand hall, known for housing the school's meals and festive activities, was now replaced with spinning tea cups, Splash Mountain, and Pirates of the Caribbean ride. At least the crazy ol' Dumbledork was still there.

Dumbledork takes his wand to his throat, using it as a microphone. "Can I have everyone's attention?" The room goes quiet, only because they remember from last year, when Dumbledork couldn't get everyone's attention and shoved the wand right through his neck. "I would like to welcome everyone back, and to those that are new, I welcome you any how."

"It's the same damn thing with you, isn't it old man?!" yelled out Draco.

"You will quiet down, you piece of dragon dung that was mixed in with vomit! I will not bow down to you like the rest of this sniveling pigs!" He looks over at the teachers table.

"You will bow down one day Dumbledork. Oh, you will. Because if you don't, I'm going to tell my father and he'll pay you to bow down!"

"Oh, he'll pay me will he…" Dumbledork throws down a smoke bomb, vanishes, and reappears next to Malfoy. "How much?"' Malfoy whispers the answer back into Dumbledork's ear. "Really now? Well then…" He quickly bows to Malfoy, throws down a ketchup packet, disappears, and reappears back at the podium. "As I was saying…Wait…What was I saying?" Dumbledork stares off into space.

Harry Potter stands up. Snape instantly sees him. He thinks to himself. "Great…another year with annoyance. I hate him so much and I don't know why." Then loudly, "HARRY POTTER." Everyone stops what they were doing and look at Snape. "Did I say that out loud? Whoops."

"Any way…" Harry interrupts. "You were going to say…"

Again, from Snape. "HARRY POTTER."

"You were going to say professor…"

"HARRY POTTER."

Harry, sounding aggravated. "You were going to say…"

"HARRY POTTER." Except now, Snape is right next to Harry and saying it directly into his ear. "HARRY POTTER."

Harry speaks very quickly. "You were going to say, 'Good food, Good Meet, Good God, Let's Eat!' And with that said, a loud "Hoozah" was heard and the magical dancing dinner plates appear.

Be Our Guest (From the Disney Movie: Beauty and the Beast) begins to play.

A snaggle toothed tea cup approaches Ron. "More shugah governor?"

"Ah…no thank you."

"Sure you want more! Lots and lots more! Children love shuga! Whahahahahaha!" The snaggle toothed tea cup leaps off of the table and plunges to its death.

Hermoine steps on the remains of the poorly departed cup. "I wonder if Hagrid is here." She looks over at the teachers table.

"He's over there." Ron points at the table.

"Where?"

"Right there woman!"

Hagrid is sitting right behind all the professors. Not exactly the hardest person to find, especially for someone who was born a half giant. He got his mother's looks, and his fathers height.

"I still don't see him Ron. Harry, do you see Hagrid?"

Harry is staring back at Snape who keeps sticking his tongue out at Harry. "Yeah yeah, I see him."

"You know, I swear I can see Cedric sometimes in his room. I'm always so glad to see him there, but whenever I go up to give him a hug, he disappears!" Mr. Diggory sobs into a dancing napkin.

Cedric slams his fork down. "You did see me in my room last night, and you didn't even try to give me a hug!"

After the meal, Dumbledork once again stands up. "Now students…"

He's interrupted by a voice. "Sit down you old kook!"

"Thou will shut thy face up!" Dumbledork blows on a whistle and Fawkes, his enslaved pet Phoenix, flies down from Splash Mountain, pecks the person in the eyes, picks him up with his talons and flies back up into the mountain, person in talon. "Now as I was saying, I have a surprise for all of you. Hogwarts…"

"That's Disney Castle to you, buddy!" Fawkes pecks the person's mouth off.

"Right, the Disney castle will be host to…"

Ron, excitedly blurts out, "Candy?"

Dumbledork stands there, and slowly moves his gaze to Ron. A piercing, fiery gaze. "What did you say, boy?" Dumbledork quickly cocks his head to the side. "Did you say, 'Candy?'" Ron begins to tremble. "So you think…" Dumbledork's massive hands grasp the corner of the table so hard that it begins to crack. "…that Hogwarts…"

"Disney Castle!"

"…Disney Castle, will be host to 'Candy?'" At this point, the table cracks.

Ron gulps. "Ye…ye…yes…" Tears build up in his eyes.

With one quick movement, Dumbledork's massively huge hand is around Ron's throat. He slowly lifts Ron up. "CANDY, MY DEAR BOY HMMMM?"

Gasping for air Ron let's out a muffled, "Yes."

Dumbledork releases Ron. "No, I'm sorry, you're wrong. We'll be hosting the Tri Wizard Tournament."

A huge uproar breaks out amongst the students while new students are confused as hell.

Harry, confused as dirt, freaks out. "Oh my god, what is it? Someone tell me!"

"It's a big tournament." Fred calmly tells Harry.

"It involves 3 schools, hence the whole Tri wizard thing." Continues George.

"The winner wins a butt load of money and the Tri Wizard cup." The twins say the same time.

Hermoine intervenes between the two of them. "Except the Wizard cup is horribly dangerous. 5 years ago, a boy was killed in a grave yard during the Tournament. His name was Diggory Cedric and he was a student at Watshog School of Mana."

Clearing his Dumbledork throat, Dumbledork continues on about the Tri Wizard tournament. "There are rules of course." Dumbledork looks around the room. "First rule. Rule number one: Only sixth year and above may participate." Many angry voices are heard. "Rule number two: People who wear glasses are not allowed to participate. Rule number three: Any one with a scar on their forehead, be it a chicken bone, lightning bolt, or the picture of Jesus, may not participate. Rule number four: If their name starts with an H, and their last name starts with a P, they may not participate. Rule number five: If your name is Harry Potter, you may not participate. Are my rules clear?" The crowd gives off a silent nod. "Good. Now, for all of those who would like to participate, you will need to write your name on the bottom sole of your shoe and you are to deposit it in the, Giblet of Fire!!" As his thunderous voice boomed out, the ground begins to shake as a single narrow column lifts up towards the ceiling. At the top of the column sits a purple blob in the shape of a kidney bean, engulfed in a blue flame. "Of course, for those of you who think you can break my rules…" He looks directly at Harry, who is to busy picking his nose. "…the Giblet of Fire is hexed to know who is breaking the rules. You all will have one week to enter your soles. After that week, the grand drawing will begin!" Dumbledork raises his hands, expecting there to be a great up roar of cheers and celebration, but only hears crickets chirping. Dumbledork lowers his hands, and his head in shame, and walks off of the podium.

"Crikey! Look out the window!" An Australian student yells as he points out the window. Everyone runs for the nearest window to get a peek at what the stupid aussie was pointing at. Then they realized that it was a sight to see. Up in the sky, a pumpkin sized chariot, driven by eleven reindeer and one red nose beacon towards the school. The red shiny pumpkin shined in the sunlight as it races towards the castle. Then from the sea, a giant old pirate ship comes out of the water. The students can see many figures on the ship dumping out the water with tiny buckets.

Dumbledork looks out the window too. "We're under attack! Man the guns!" Dumbledork yells to Mickey the Mouse. Mickey the Mouse gives a quick salute and runs to the nearest soldier.

"Man the guns!"

The duck gives a quick salute. "Yesh sir!" He runs to the nearest cannon and begins firing at the red pumpkin. He finally manages to hit one of the reindeer, causing it to burst into flames and spiral towards the castle. Donald the Duck then turns his cannon onto the pirate ship. "The Black Pearl will never take me back!" He fires random shots at the ship.

"Yar! They B firing at us! Firing the cannons back at them! Yar!" The Pirate captain lights a fuse and the cannon fires back at the castle.

Hermoine huddles near Harry. "I guess they are the other school."

"I don't think Dumbledork is good friends with either of them." Squeaks Harry as he hides under Ron's rippling biceps.

After 5 hours of the nonstop battle, the other schools are finally welcomed inside.

A little elf in green tights appear and announces the school in a deep voice. "From the cloud city of Bespin, Madame Huge Vitch and her students of pretty girls."

The doors open with a flock of beautiful girls pouring in. After each fifth step, the girls leaned to one side, gave out a loud fart, followed by a sigh, and continued on.

Dumbledork stands up with a dizzy look on his face. "Yes, thank you for that gut wrenching entrance. Madame Vitch, you look ugly as ever.

A giantress woman, taller then Hagrid, steps up to Dumbledork and lends out her pinky, which Dumbledork can't even fully grasp. "Thank you Dumbledork, it is always a pleasure to be here."

The doors are then kicked down as a group of buff young men come, back flipping in, pounding their peg legs into the ground. As their pegs hit the ground, sparks emit, causing them to stop every now and then to blow out the fire. A short fat pirate, with patches on both eyes, and peg legs on both feet, takes out a little parchment. "And from Davey Jone's Locker, The Pirates of the Bloody Deep!" The young back flipping man finally lands on his feet. As his feet touch the ground, fire engulfs all around him, causing a tornado of flame to encircle him. As the onlookers gasp, they see that the fire around him begin to shrink. The fire shrinks into a ball that floats lightly to the man's hand. He quickly closes his hand which kills the fire.

Ron stands up. "Is that who I think it is?"

Fred's hands were already sliding down his pants. "It is, it's Victor Crumb!"

Victor opens his hand up and throws it in the air, as if the ball was still there, and as he does, the words "Victor Crumb" spell out right above him.

"Yar, that's me boy!" The Pirate captain, Short Beard, walks up to Dumbledork. "Put it deer, old boy!" He offers Dumbledork a hook to shake. Dumbledork takes off his shoe and shakes the hook with his foot.

"Nice to see you again Short Beard."

"Like wise Dumbledore, like wise."

Dumbledork raises one eye brow "Whoa, I'm not Dumbledore, I'm Dumbledork."

Short Beard licks his lips. "What you mean?"

"Dumbledore died after the Sorceress's kidney stone. I'm Dumbledork."

"Oh…well then…Ok…um…Dumbledork."

"Like wise." Dumbledork turns to the students. "These will be your new classmates during the tournament. Meet them, know them, remember them, for they will be your enemy in the near future. This is all for tonight. All of you go to bed!"

Harry raises his hand. "But Professor…"

"HARRY POTTER."

"But professor I…"

Dumbledork smiles and closes his eyes. "All of you go to bed." He raises his hands and Donald the Duck and Goofy the Arse come out with giant water hoses and hose out the grand hall. Everyone is shot out of the room.

Madame Huge Vitch walks up to Hagrid. "I've been…waiting to meet you again."

Hagrid blushes. "Like wise."

Madame Vitch reaches into Hagrid's beard and pulls out a turkey and devours it in one whole. "Yum."

"You have no idea how hott that was Ms. Vitch."

"Like wise."

Up at the Gryffindor boy's study door, a group of boys patiently wait to enter.

"The password is 'Lion King was the best Disney Movie ever!'" Ron says to the painted door.

A picture of a lion in the clouds answers. "That is correct Simba, I am your father." The door opens up to the study room.

The boys quickly run up the stairs to their old rooms.

"I call this bed!" Dean hops into his new proclaimed bed.

"I want this one!" Ron flips onto a bed.

"This be mine then." Neville lays face first into a bed.

Harry slowly walks up to a bed. "Come on guys, you always give me this bed."

"Since year one," Dean responds "has been dubbed as the 'Potty Bed" for Harry 'Potty' and your unseasonable habit of peeing in bed. Which, not only have you done in that bed for the 3 years that you were here, but for the fact that you have also done it at Ron's house."

As Harry hops in the mildew infested bed, it squishes under his weight. "I just wish it would dry."

"You know guys, I wonder what it is like in the girl's dorm?" Ron ponders as he sits in his bed.

Up in the girls dorm, there is only one bed. A giant bed that takes up the whole floor. Where all the girls have sweaty pillow fights because they like to live up to the stereotypical guy fantasy. Unlike the boy's dorm where each House is separated, all the girls of any House share the same giant bed.

Hermoine puts down her pillow. "Do we really need to live up to the stereotypes?"

Cho puts down her pillow too. "I guess you're right Hermoine." She looks around the room. "Want to practice making out?"

Hermoine takes in a deep breath. "Sure."

Ginny jumps up. "I want to join in too!"

**Chapter 7: Fun time in Classes**

Harry is in the middle of the grand hall, on his knees and screaming out loud. "NOOooo!! Whhyy! For the love of Merlin's beard! WHHYYyyyy!" Harry slowly breaks down and cries.

Hermoine quickly runs to Harry's side. "What's a matter Harry?"

"I have Snape for fifth period!" he continues to cry.

"Big flipping deal, Harry. I have him too."

Ron moonwalks into the grand hall, right up next to Harry's other side. "No worries mate, I have him too."

Harry quickly looks up into Ron's eyes. "You don't get it, do you? It's Snape! He hates me for reasons unknown! If left alone with him, I'm sure to be groped by him!"

Hermoine wiggles her eyebrows. "You know, it's funny how Snape really does look like a child molester."

They look over at Snape whose leaning against a wall. Snape sees Dean walk by.

"You boy," Snape beckons Dean closer with his finger. "I expect to see you in my office after 9:00pm, no sooner, no later."

Dean, confused, looks at Snape for a second. "But I don't even have your class this semester."

Snape quickly slides into his office. "No sooner, no later…"

Harry, Hermoine, and Ron are walking to their first class.

"So, what is our first class by the way?" Harry asks Ron.

"We have Divination, first." Hermoine mentions.

"I was talking to Ron, not you Ms. Mud-blood." Harry sticks out his tongue.

Ron swats at one of the Seven Dwarves. "She 's right mate, it's Divination."

"Wait…isn't divination that one class where you try and predict the future by looking at tea leaves?"

Ron kicks the dwarf away. "Yes and no. Yes to the whole predicting the future thing, but no to the tea leaves."

"Then what do we use?"

"Urinal cakes? How are we going to see the future in urinal cakes?" Hermoine fumes as she holds up her miss shaped urinal cake.

The thick eyed professor looks at Hermoine. Speaking in a stoned hippie voice, she addresses to Hermoine. "My dear, divination is everything. How do you think all great wizards and witches got to where they are today? Divination of course."

"I don't recall Merlin becoming famous by using his hidden talents of urinal cake reading."

Ron raises his hand.

"Yes, what is it my dear?" The bugged eyed lady looks at Ron.

"Miss, may I have another one."

"What happened to the last one?"

"I ate it."

Everyone in the class room burst out into laughter. Harry, holding his stomach in pain, yells out, "Stupid Weasley, so poor and stupid, thought that the urinal cake was a delectable dish! Blahahahahaha!"

Later through on the day, Harry realized that it was time to get to his most hated class of all, Potions. Harry was never good at mixing, and what made it worst was that Snape was the instructor.

Snape quickly walks into the room, using his wand, he closes all the curtains in the room. He finally reaches the chalk board, does a quick turn towards the students. "Turn to page three hundred and ninety four."

Ron struggles to open is book. "Blimey, this book is hard to open."

Harry has the same problem. "Probably because we hardly ever used it."

Snape quietly walks up behind Ron and slaps him in the back of the head. "There will be no talking in class." He walks away.

Harry whispers to Ron. "Seems like Snape hardly ever uses something." Harry nod's towards Snape's crotch. Harry and Ron laugh out loud.

Snape quickly turns around, flips on top of the table, quickly runs across it, ninja style, and does a baseball slide across the top of the table, kicking both Harry and Ron in the face. Snape stands up. "Turn to page three hundred and ninety four."

Harry sits back up. "I'm already there!"

"I bet you are." Snape steps down from the table and walks off.

Ron finally sits back up. "Bloody brilliant Harry, scary, but brilliant."

Hands reach around to the back of both Harry and Ron's heads, and slams their heads together. Harry's nose instantly shatters and begins to bleed, while Ron's tooth, tears right through the side of his cheek.

Snape smiles. "No more talking. Turn to page three hundred and ninety four.

"Finally! We're free!" Harry runs out and begins to take off his robe. "Free from this hell hole!" Harry finally manages to slide out of his boxers and runs for a fence. As he lays his hands on the fence, he receives a five thousand amp shock from the electric fence. He falls back, sizzling and smoking.

"It has only been one day so far, Harry." Hermoine walks over to Harry and brushes off some charred eyebrow hair."

"And we still need to get to Hagrid's class." Ron hand's over Harry's clothes.

"A'right class," Hagrid begins, "we will be learn'in on how to film. Each of you will find a camer-ra hid'en under your log." All the students rummage under their seats and find a video camera.

"What will we be doing with these, Hagrid?" Neville asks the goofy giant.

"Aha! Good question der. Today class, I have a special treat for yers. Today, you will all be witnesing to a fine miracle." He lends out his hand and Madame Vitch takes it. "You will all be film'in a nature documentary." He winks at Madame Vitch, who is already sliding off her bear fur coat.

"What creature will we be filming today?" Harry asks Hagrid, who he notices slipping on a cow suit.

"Er…a cow documentary." He has Madame Vitch, who is also in a cow suit, get on all fours. "Look-e here class. Two cows, ready to mate. You see, the female cow is ready to…" Madame Vitch let's out a moo. "…mate and the male knows this. So he walks up behind the female and…and…you all are filming this aren't ye?"

"This feels uncomfortable to be filming. Kind of reminds me of the time last year when you had us film you and Madame Vitch doing it." Hermoine mentions.

"Don't be silly Hermoine, this is an important documentary on cows. Now, where was I, ah yes. The male cow, or bull, mounts the female cow like so and…"

"One more class and we're done. I can't wait to finish this last class. I'm going to run up stairs, do a face plant right into my urine soaked bed and open up a good book." Harry day dreams of being back in his room.

Ron looks down at his feet. "I wish I knew how to read." He looks back up at Harry. "What book are you reading?"

"'Potter Harry and the Goblet of Fire' by R.J Growling. It's very interesting and stuff but you wouldn't understand, you're too poor to understand." Harry looks at his Mickey the Mouse watch. "Hey it's five o'clock, time for Defense Against the Dark Arts." Harry skips off to the class with Ron silently crying behind him.

"Welcome to Defense Against the Blacks." Growled Crazy eye Moody. Hermoine raises her hand. "Yes, you, the one with the crazy eye brows."

"Don't you mean, Defense Against the Dark Arts?" asked Hermoine.

"Right, right…" Moody's eye shifts left to right. "Defense against the Black Ones." Moody waddles to the front of the class. "It will be my job to teach you children the difference between which spells are the worst. Can anyone name a few?"

Malfoy raises his hand. Moody quickly takes a quick swig from his flask.

"The nasty blonde child, yes, name one."

"Your mom!" Draco and everyone else in the class starts laughing, even Moody.

"Yeah, that was a clevar one, you are a smart one Draco. But you know what's even funnier?"

"What?"

"This one! Ferret N Pantsa!" A blue beam hits Draco directly in the chest. He instantly begins to shrink into a ferret. "And now, here is the funny part." He picks up Draco the ferret, and puts him inside of his pants. "Now, as I was saying, what is another bad spell?"

Neville slowly raises his hand.

"You, the one with the crazy parents."

"Um…the Imperious Curse?"

"Ah, that one is my personal favorite." Moody reaches into his under wear closet. "Now where is that little bugger…" He eventually pulls out a gigantic cockroach. "Imperious Curseah!" A green stream strikes the little bug and the bug begins to go mad. Neville begins to panic and cry. Moody, taking notice of this, causes the bug to freak out even more and go even madder.

Hermoine yells out, "You need to stop. Can't you see Neville is being affected by this?"

Moody looks over at Hermoine with his magical eye. "Yeah, I know, why do you think I continue this?" Eventually, the cockroach's skin turns inside out and his internal guts explode. "There we go, wasn't that great class?"

"Mate, you need to start picking up your clothes once you drop them!" Ron picks up Harry's robe from off the ground.

"Why must he insist on running around naked, every time we get out of the last class?" Hermoine picks up a sock and quickly smells it.

"WEEeeeee! I'm nekki!" Harry runs to a classroom window and shakes his junk and runs off.

"That boy needs some serious help." Prof. McGonagall turns back to her class.

Ron catches up with Harry.

"Harry! You need to come with us to the grand hall! The twins are going to try and enter their soles!" Harry puts on his clothes and runs to the grand hall where a large group of people sat, cheering on the twins.

"Watch and be amazed, as for I and my brother, have found a way to enter our soles."

"How you do it Fred?" someone in the audience yelled out.

"Easy." George smirked. "We took an aging potion. That way, we can fool the giblet that we are older then a sixth year."

George and Fred waved their soles to everyone and the cheering grew louder.

"There is no way they are going to pull this off." Hermoine said as she looked at the crowd. "Dumbledork must have put on a powerful jinx on the giblet."

"I don't know Hermoine, you have to give them some props." Ron smiled as his brother's placed their soles in the giblet.

As they placed their soles in the giblet, the soles were automatically engulfed by the blue flames. The crowd cheered.

Hermoine looked dumbstruck. "I guess they pulled it off after all." Then suddenly the twins were rolling around on the ground as their torso set ablaze.

"You thought you could out wit me?!" Dumbledork boomed. "For your impudence, your crotch shall burn! It will be ablaze as long as the tournament is active!" Dumbledork threw up his arms expecting a grand applause and cheer, once again, he was denied.

"Blahahaha, they suck cause their poor!" Harry was laughing and pointing at the suffering twins."

Dumbledork stood back up. "The selection will begin tomorrow, here, at two p.m. If you are late here, you will be shot." Goofy pumps his shot gun. "If you are early, you will be in charge of cleaning the little mermaid's swimming pool." He points out the window to the gigantic swimming pool where a ghastly over weighted, red headed mermaid swam around. "She's had a bad case of the runs lately. If you are here at the right time, you will have to eat this apple, given to me by that kind witch who is the stepmother of Snow White." The old witch cackles.

"So um…" Harry wonders if he should be asking this. "…What time should we be here then."

"Didn't I just say two p.m?" Dumbledork reaches for his Fawkes whistle.

Harry sees the whistle. "Yes, yes…you did, sorry sir."

"That's what I thought. Now, to bed with you all!" Everyone slowly stands up. "Bed damn it!" Everyone runs for their dorms.

**Chapter 8: Beating the "crap" out of Harry "Potty"**

"It is way to early to be listening to this." Growled Moody.

"Where is Dumbledork any ways? He made it plain and simple that he wanted everyone here." Professor McGonagall looked around for him.

"Maybe he found some young boys wrestling. Wrestling with their shirts off and…" Snape begins to drool.

Everyone in the grand hall is talking. Finally, the door is busted down and Dumbledork stumbles through.

"Sorry I was late everyone. I was busy um…" Dumbledork was trying to think of something to say other then the fact that he was in the girl's dorm and had transformed into one of their pillows. "I was um.. masturbating. Yeah, that's it…excessive masturbation." A young girl, probably a first year, raised her hand. "What is it that you want?"

"Doesn't that mean you will be shot?" The little girl looked up at Dumbledork.

"Woman, I make the rules here. You don't tell Dumbledork who will be shot. Guards! Take her out back to the womping willow tree and execute her by a 21 gun salute!" Mickey the Mouse and Minnie the Mouse salute Dumble the Dork and take the Little the Girl away. "Now, let's get this show on the road!" He raises his hand in the air. A flame reaches upward and a sole is shot out and floats right into Dumbledork's hand. " The chosen student of the school of Bespin is, Seeher Niceah Hiney." Everyone in the room applauds even though half of them don't know who she is, while the other half is cheering because they do see her. Another sole is shot out. "And the chosen student from Bulgaria is, Victor Krum!" Everyone cheers again, except George, whose hand was down his pants. Another sole shoots out. "And the chosen student from the Disney school of imagination and dreams is, Cedric Diggory!" No one applauds because no one knew who he is.

"That's my boy!" Mr. Diggory begins to cry. "If only he was alive."

"Well, I would like to wish you all good luck." Dumbledork looks at the chosen students. "And I hope that none of you survive. Now, back to your rooms everyone." Everyone stands up to leave. As the hall's doors open, another sole is shot out. Dumbledork looks confused. "There seems to be another that was chosen." Harry is just about to step out. "This can't be…HARRY POTTER!" Harry slowly turns around.

Inside of Dumbledork's room, Harry is looking at the door that leads to the outside of Dumbledore's room. "I could run for it." Harry thinks to himself. As he's about to turn the knob, the door opens up wildly and Dumbledork comes through with his hand wrapping around Harry's throat. Dumbledork raises Harry up.

"What were you thinking idiot?!" Dumbledork shakes Harry like a rag doll.

"I didn't turn my name in! I swear!" Harry is gasping for life.

"Don't you lie to me! Don't you dare lie to me!" Dumbledork flings Harry across his desk. Harry slides over the top of the desk and his head slams through the class cabinet. "You wouldn't lie to me, would you Harry?"

"I promise I wouldn't!" a tear drop trickles down Harry's cheek.

"Liar!" Dumbledork picks up Harry by his hair and flings him against his office wall. The stone wall crumbles from the impact of Harry's body.

"Professor Dumbledork!" Professor McGonagall stamps her foot. "I believe him!"

Harry looks up, blood covering his eyes. "You…do professor?"

She kneels down next to Harry. "Of course I do… Like I believe a snow man could survive in hell!" She slaps Harry with enough force that Harry's eye's loosen out of their sockets. "You're a dang liar!" She holds Harry's arms behind him as Dumbledork repeatedly pummels his fists into Harry's sternum.

"You have no idea," Dumbledork catches his breath. "you have no idea, how much you have put your life in danger!" He grabs Harry by the shoulders and gives him a skull crunching head butt. He then takes the back of Harry's head and slams it into his old red oak furnished desk.

Harry is trying to speak, but he continuously chokes on his own blood as it travels down his throat. "but…" he gurgles out some blood. "But I don't want to participate!"

"You must! The Giblet of Fire says so!" said the Prime Minister as he walked in.

Dumbledork wipes some blood off of his rings. "If the Giblet says so, then so it shall be. If it is a rule, I have no choice but to follow the rules. What kind of example would I be setting, I a rule maker myself, to not follow rules."

"Indeed." McGonagall adds as she wipes off the blood from her finger nails, onto Harry's jacket.

"It is settled then." The prime minister jumps in glee. "Seeher, Victor, Cedric, and Harry are the contestants for this year's Quad Wizard Tournament." The prime minister walks off.

"Good luck my dear." McGonagall smiles as she steps on Harry and out of the office.

"If you fail us," Dumbledork holds Harry's head up by his hair. "I will personally disown you and you will be banned from this school forever." He begins to violently shake Harry's unconscious head. "Do what ever it takes, kill anyone who gets in the way." He slams Harry's face onto the office's hard marble floor.

**Chapter 9: Whiney because of Poor Income**

"I can't believe you Harry!" Ron folds his arms and turns away from Harry.

"Baby, come on! Believe me! I didn't do it!" Harry walks around, trying to face Ron.

"How could you do this to me, to us? We are friends Harry. We tell each other things. It's not Harry and company. It's Harry and Ron. Why didn't you tell me this?"

"That is because, there is nothing to tell! I didn't turn my name in Ron. Someone else must have!"

Ron covers his ears. "You're lying!" Ron bursts into tears and runs off.

"Don't worry Potty," Draco comes strolling along. "He's only upset cause he's poor. Unlike you and I."

Harry looks at Draco. "I'm poor too."

"Eegads, then what am I doing near you?"

Later that night, at dinner.

"Hermoine, could you please tell Ron that I love him and that I did not put my sole into the giblet?"

Hermoine turns to Ron. "Ron, Harry wanted me, to tell you, that you suck."

Ron looks over at Harry, then to Hermoine. "Hermoine, would you kindly tell Harry that he can go to hell. Where his parents live now."

Hermoine turns to Harry. "Harry, Ron told me, to tell you, that you suck."

Harry leans forward so that he can see Ron and says, "Oh, I know, and I will." He winks at Ron and Ron turns away.

Then they hear loud thunderous foot steps. They turn to see Hagrid running at them.

"Hey there 'Ary. Hi Hermoine and Ron. How you kids doing?"

"Well, Harry and Ron are fighting." Hermoine tells Hagrid.

"Fight'in over what, might I ask?" He strokes his beard, which begins to pur.

"Ron is mad at Harry because Harry is going to be in the tournament, and didn't tell Ron that Harry entered his sole into the giblet."

"That's non sense! You two should'nt be fight'in over dat. You two should make up and kiss."

"I agree on all of that except for the kissing part." Hermoine looked away to make a gagging face. Then all of a sudden, Harry and Ron start kissing each other passionately. After five minutes Ron speaks to Harry.

"I'm sorry I was being such a bastard."

Harry puts his hand on his friend's shoulder. "I'm sorry that you're so dirt poor."

"Me too."

"Well, ain't that just too sweet." Hagrid wipes a tear from his eye. "Come on 'Ary, I got to show you something out in the woods."

"It's not that ugly one eyed hairy snake creature again, is it Hagrid?" Harry has a flash back to when Hagrid took out an ugly one eyed snake creature from his pocket.

"No no, it's a hint to what you be fight'in for your first match."

Hagrid leads the children to the forbidden part of the woods. When they come closer to a clearing, Hagrid tells them to hush and they duck under some shrubbery near a little white fence and a haring fish. "It's over there." Hagrid whispers to Harry.

Harry looks at the clearing and sees a huge cage. The cage was shaking violently as flames shot out from the top. Harry looks over at Hagrid, "My first match will be against a dragon?!"

Hagrid quickly looks at Harry. "Dragon? Heck no, you'll be fighting Panda Bur."

Hermoine's eyes widen. "A Panda Bur! Those creatures are highly dangerous. They are quick, agile, and silent killers." She grabs Harry and begins to shake him wildly. "If you are to win, you're going to have to use mad skillz to beat it."

Harry gulped as he looked back at the rattling cage. Then, out of nowhere, a ninja falls down from out of the sky and knocks out the guard. The ninja takes the guards key and unlocks the cage's door. The ninja hops on the back of the Panda Bur and rides it off into the woods.

"I won't have to fight no Panda Bur now!" Harry smiled.

"Aw, no worries 'Ary, they'll just go to their back up." Hagrid pats Harry on the back.

"What then?"

"Dragons." Hagrid says with a smile.

Chapter 9: Great Balls of Fire

It was the day of the first match. Harry was more nervous then ever. More nervous then he was when he did his first performance on stage where he was the mighty carrot who ended up peeing on himself when he caught glimpse of the fatty chicken "wang."

"I am the mighty carrot." Harry said, remembering his lines.

"Yo, shut this fool up." The chicken "wang" responded.

"Um..um…" and that's when Harry wet himself.

"You ready Harry?" Dumbledork put his hand on Harry's shoulder.

"Ready then I'll ever be." Harry said with a glum look on his face.

"Good, and don't forget our little talk in my office." Dumbledork began squeezing Harry shoulder so hard that his hands we're trembling.

"No problem…"

After Dumbledork left, Hermoine came in.

"Oh Harry," Hermoine said to Harry as she hugged him. "I'm so scared for you. Please come back to me in one piece." They both lock eyes with each other, then a sudden flash happens.

"This is Dan Rathers reporting, and what you just witnessed was an embracement by two secret lovers. More on that, at eight. Now, to our wizard man in the sky. Gerald Raindrop, what's the weather like up there?"

"It's absolutely gray!" Gerald almost loses grip on his broom. "Winds are blowing at ridiculous speeds and it smells like rotten eggs out here, Dan. I can also see your house from here!"

Back at the waiting tent. The Prime Minister is talking to the participants. "Now, each of you will reach into this bag." The prime minister holds up a black bag. "inside the bag are 4 dragons. What ever dragon you pick up, is the dragon you will face. Now, Seeher, please reach into the bag." She reaches into the bag and quickly pulls her hand out.

"Ouch, I think something stung me."

"What do you mean?" He looks into the bag. "Oh, wrong bag, this one is the scorpion bag." He picks up another bag. "Here you go." One by one, the students take out a dragon. Harry takes out the Horned Yellow Dragon. "Now, the objective of this game is to steal the dragon's golden egg. This will not be a timed event. Everyone can pass this one. The only way you can fail is if you call in quits. Are you ready Seeher?" She nods. "Alright, let the games begin!"

One after one, they nabbed the egg. The only one left was Harry. As Harry sits on the toilet, he begins thinking back to when he had his secret meeting with Crazy Eyed Moody.

"Well, what _are_ you good at then boy?" growled Moody.

"I'm good with a broom stick." Harry thinks back to his "Cinderalla" days when he had to do all the cooking and cleaning at Aunt Petunia's house.

"Then exploit it. Use it to your advantage. Using your skill to your advantage is what will keep you alive." He takes a swig from his flask. "Hmm..need more whisky..." he notices Harry look up at him. "I mean…poly morph juice…"

Harry is awaken to a pounding on the out house door.

"You're up Mr. Potter." Harry was afraid it was those words. He slowly pulls his pants up, flushes, and walks out.

Harry walks out into the sunlight where all around him is a stadium with all seats filled. He couldn't think with all the noise that was going on. Finally, the cave's gate opened and the dragon stepped out. The dragon looked Harry in the eye and shot a blast of fire at him. Harry, with his miraculous Wussy Senses, ducked behind a rock as the dragon started blasting at him. Harry decided to be brave and took a rock and chucked it at the dragon. The dragon smacked the rock back at Harry. Harry attempted to smack the rock back at the dragon with his face, but failed miserably. With blood pouring down every orifice on his face, he decided to call on his broom. He hopped onto his broom and flew towards the school. The dragon broke free of its chains and flew after Harry. Harry thought he would be smart by flying around the Disney castle, thinking that the dragon would collide with something and die. Unknowingly the dragon started to scale the caste, digging its massive class into the sides and continuing the chase. The dragon fired another fire ball at Harry but only managed to burn the broom. Harry began to spiral out of control back down into the arena. As Harry's skull skidded against the rocky ground, the dragon landed near Harry's head. The dragon opened it's massive mouth and was about to devour the weaken and hurt boy until Harry stood up, picked up his broom with the still flaming bristles, pointed the flame near his rear and expelled his gas into the dragons face. Being a dragon, and full of hydrogen, the dragon naturally combusted. Harry, dragging his shattered left leg, walked to the golden egg. Raising it high above his head, the whole crowd began to cheer. Then Fawkes flew down from Splash Mountain, stole the egg and flew away. Harry, exhausted, looked over at the Prime Minister. The Prime Minister shook his head, "yes." So Harry climbed back onto his broom to chase down Fawkes.

**Chapter 10: The Mule's Ball**

"It's been a tradition for many years now," professor McGonagall begins, "that during the Quad Wizard tournament, that there is a Mule's Ball to be hosted."

"What's that professor?" Ron asks out loud.

"My dear poor boy, and I mean poor when I say it, the Mule's Ball is a chance for the ugly girls to feel pretty." She quickly looks over at Harry. "Now, the most important thing for this dance, is that you young men learn how to dance. Mr. Weasley, place your right hand on my bum, and take my hand with your other." Ron looks over at Harry nervously. Harry laughs at Ron, as Harry places his hand on Neville's bum. After the class, Harry, Ron, and Hermoine are walking to the grand hall.

"Who you going to ask Harry?" Hermoine asks anxiously.

"Well, I was thinking…you?" Harry looks into her eyes.

"Really?" Hermoine asks with anticipation.

"Blahahaha, heck no, why would I want to take a mud-blood to the Mule's Ball anyways?"

"Besides," Ron adds in, "You have to be an ugly girl, in order to be asked to go to the Mule's Ball."

Hermoine looks at Ron with a death gaze. "What did you say?"

Ron looks over at Harry and quickly looks back at Hermoine. "That you have to be ugly in order to go?"

"How dare you say that! You..You…Poor piece of trash! If I was the poorest person in the world and I needed to wipe my butt, I wouldn't even use your hand!" Hermoine storms off.

"What crawled on her face and died?" Ron asks Harry. Harry just shrugs to Ron.

"Who knows. Now, onto more important matters…how do I open this egg?"

"Let me see that egg." Ron takes the egg from Harry. "Oh, I know how to do this." He walks into the grand hall's kitchen, places a pan on the stove, and attempts to crack the egg open. "Hmm…doesn't seem to be working."

"Of course, only a poor person would think of that." Harry takes back the egg to find it all burnt. "Great, now I'm going to have to take a bath with it."

In the mysterious gigantic public bath tub, Harry slowly lowers himself into it. Taking the egg, he places it under water. As the egg fully submerges into the water, it opens up and begins to play an eerie tune. Harry sticks his head under water to hear it better.

"Your next mission will be in the freaking lake. Enjoy."

As Harry comes back up for more air, Moaning (ha ha) Myrtle flies by.

"Hello there Potter." She smiles as she sits next to him in the tub.

"Hi there Myrtle. Say, I thought you were gone like the rest of the ghost after they sold Hogwarts."

"It's not that easy to get rid of me. Besides, I wasn't in debt, I just died of starvation."

"Starvation? I thought the Baskalisk killed you."

"No, no." She flies around the room. "There was no more toilet paper in the stall I was in. I couldn't leave the stall because that would be gross. No one came to my crying." Tear drops trickle down her face. "Eventually I starved to death and when my body was found, they flushed it down the toilet." She stops crying and flies towards Harry. "But," she slowly says, "I've been starved of something," she checks out Harry, "Else…"She brushes up against Harry.

"Eep, I need to go now." Harry quickly stands up and runs off, bubbles covering his mid drift. Harry quickly run's into his room and hops into his already soaked bed. Harry reaches beneath his pillow and pulls out a journal. He begins writing.

Dear Yum-yum basket, Moaning Myrtle brushed up against me today. I think that means we did it. Love, Harry

**Chapter 11: Welcome to the blue lagoon**

Harry slams shut another book. "I have three more hours to find out how I'm going to win this one."

Ron is eating a book. He begins to talk with his mouth full. "Well, I heard that Victor is using his squid skills to swim."

Hermoine is speaking over a book. "I heard Cedric and Seeher are using air bubble magic to breath underwater."

Neville comes out of nowhere. "Well, I read that if you eat a certain plant, you can breathe under water." Everyone turns towards Neville.

Harry leaps across the table and grabs Neville's collar. "Where did you come upon this information? Tell me you vile worm! You…you…loser with crazy parents!"

Hermoine slams her thick book onto Neville's fingers, instantly breaking them. "How did you find this out before I did? You…grandma's boy!"

Ron sneaks up behind Neville, grabs his head from behind, pries open Neville's mouth and spits the chewed paper down Neville's throat. "And I did that because I just don't like you!"

Neville gags and stands up. "I'm…I'm a loser guys." He looks off. "Since I have no parents, I stay in here all day, reading books and stuff. I was reading a book on water spell casting so I could get back at Harry for freezing me, first year. So I found a page on how to make someone pee. That's why you always wet your bed, Harry."

Harry begins to shake Neville violently. "What does that have to do with the plant thing?!"

Neville begins to cry. "I don't know! I just found out about that plant from this napkin that I got with my tea from Filch's broom closet!"

Harry releases Neville and turns to his real friends. "Now," he strokes his hairless chin, "where do I get that plant from?"

Ron tears off another page from a book. "We could grow it!"

Hermoine slaps Ron's head. "That would take to long."

Harry begins to pace. After two hours he stops. "I know! We could steal it from Snape!"

Hermoine wiggles her eye brows. "And how do you expect to do that?"

Ron takes another huge bite out of a book. "If he catches you, he'll molest you for sure!"

Harry walks towards the exit. "That's a risk I'm willing to take." He winks and steps out of the library.

Neville comes back in after Harry leaves. "Oh by the way, I have that plant with me right now."

Harry quietly opens the door and peeks in. Snape is asleep on top of his desk. He's wearing a black velvet night gown with a red velvet night cap. Resting on his chest was a one button eyed teddy bear that seemed to be alive. Harry noisily sneaks into Snape's room, banging against every table and chair, stepping on every single noisy rock. Snape makes a noise and Harry quickly runs near Snape's feet and pushes his face onto them. Snape sits up, eyes half opened. He begins to mumble.

"Oh Harry, I've been waiting to express myself to you for a long, long time. I…"he begins to rub his finger on his nipple, "love you." Snape instantly falls back and falls asleep. Harry let's out a sigh of relief, licks Snape's big toe and runs for the cupboard. He opens it to find hundreds of jars with human heads in them. He begins picking them up.

"Hmm…Jacks head…" He throws it away and the jar smashes on the ground. "Nina's head" He tosses that one. "James and Lily's head" he throws that jar down extra hard, "Aha!" He yells out extremely loud. "I found that plant. Now to get out of here." He shuts the cupboard so hard that it reopens and all the jars fall to the floor and break. Just before Harry runs out of the room, he kisses his fingers which he then presses on Snape's lips and runs out. Snape sits up again, eyes still half way open.

"I love you like an Alaskan Inuit loves seals!" He motions throwing a spear and lays back down, asleep.

Harry runs into the library with his arms up in the air, like he won the Olympic 500m dash.

"I did it guys! I have the plant!" He yells out loud. Filch comes in.

Filch back hands Harry in the face. "Quiet your face down! This is a library! A library for Merlin's sake! Come Mrs. Doris! We have work to do!" Filch the care taker and his cat run out of library.

Hermoine picks up Harry. "That's great and all but the match starts in three minutes."

Harry looks at his Mickey the Mouse watch. "You're right!"

Ron looks at his Freckle on the Skin watch. "Come on Hermoine, we need to go too."

Hermoine stands up. "Ok, I'm ready."

Harry looks at them in confusion. "Where are you two going?"

Hermoine shifts her eyes left to right. "Well…we are um…going to finish preparing your presents"

Ron shifts his eyes left to right. "Yes…presents.."

A big grin appears on Harry's face. "I'm glad you guys remembered my birthday!" He jumps up in glee. Hermoine and Ron quickly slip out of the library. Harry is about to leave when he stops. "Hey, wait a second, my birthday is in four months!"

Around the black lagoon, raised stadium seats are placed in the middle of the lagoon. At the very base of these seats are plat forms where the contestants await. Dumbledork climbs down the stairs to the platform and addresses to the contestants.

"The rules to this match are simple. You have twelve minutes to find the treasure and bring it back to the surface. Sounds simple enough?"

"What does the treasure look like?" Seeher asks Dumbledork intently.

Dumbledork looks at her and smiles. "Your mom! OOoooohhh, diss!" Dumbledork slaps her in the back of the head and she falls in.

Victor transforms into a squid. "This match is all mine." He dives right in.

Cedric looks over at Harry. "Good luck Harry. Hope you lose!" He kicks Harry in between the legs. Harry buckles over. Dumbledork looks over at Harry.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Dumbledork picks Harry up by his hair. "I told you that you must win or else!" He tosses Harry into the water.

Harry begins to drown so he quickly slides his hand down his pants to retrieve that plant. He quickly shoves it into his mouth and swallows it. Harry begins to scratch at his neck, as he does he tears off skin and gills appear. The webbing on his hands begin to grow larger. The same happens on his feet. Harry became a freak with gills. Harry began swimming around looking for this treasure. He spots an underwater Mer-castle, long destroyed from Dumbo's dung droppings. As Harry swims to the center, he sees four figures underwater. He finally realized what the treasures were, his friends. As he begins to swim forward, he sees Seeher swim right by on a underwater propeller. As she approaches one of the figures, she too realizes what the treasure was. It was her mom. As Seeher reaches for her mom, Seeher realizes that she forgot to put on a bubble charm and begins to drown. So she swims back up to the surface. Harry, on the other hand, swims for his friends. As he's about to reach for Hermoine, a squid wraps it's tentacles all around her and pull her up. It was Victor who had to save her. Now all that was left was Ron, Cho, and Seeher's mom. As Harry is about to untie Ron, a merman grabs Harry's foot. Using his Wussy Senses, Harry took out his wand and jabbed the merman in the eye. Harry finally manages to untie Ron and slowly let's Ron float to the surface. The only reason why Harry didn't go up with Ron was because of Cho. Harry realized that this was his chance to make a move on her. He quickly swims up to her unconscious body and is about to grope her when Cedric swims by, pokes his wand into Harry's gills, and swims off with Cho. Realizing that Harry needs to reach the surface, he begins to swim, that is until he saw Seeher's mom and realized how hott she was. He quickly gropes her and swims up. At the surface, Ron and Hermoine have been revived. Seeher pushes them out of the way to talk to Harry.

"Harry, did you see my mom?"

Harry looks up at her with a smile. "You know it." He gives her a wink.

Seeher begins to cry.

Ron walks behind her and places his hand on her shoulder. "I'm sorry we couldn't do more for her." Just as he said that, Seeher's mom floats to the surface. Ron, being as poor as he is, thinks it is a dead musk rat and dives into the water to fetch it so that he may have a meal to send back to his folks at home. As he drags the "musk rat" to the dock, everyone helps pull her up. Seeher embraces her mom. Seeher looks over at Ron.

"Thank you for saving my mother." She gives him a peck on the cheek.

"Mother? I thought that was a musk rat." Ron stares in bewilderment.

Dumbledork places his wand to his neck.

"The times are in. First place is Victor!" Loud cheering is heard. "Second place is Cedric!" Mr. Diggory can be heard, crying. "Third place, Harry Potter." A toilet flush is heard. "And last place is miss Seeher. For she is a quitter and deserves to be last!" Dumbledork looks over at Seeher. Seeher stands up and looks down in shame. That is when her bathing suit top's strap slides down her shoulder. Dumbledork quickly takes notice of this and quickly sticks the wand back to his neck. "Err hum…but because she is hott, she has placed second place, and Cedric and Harry are tied in third." Cheering commences.

**Chapter 12: Mule Dancing**

"Did you ask anyone yet, Ron?" Harry looks at Ron as they walk to the Grand Hall.

"Not yet mate, but I was thinking of asking Seeher." Ron looks over at Seeher who just walked through the grand hall.

"Pisha! Like a poor boy like you could ever tap someone like Seeher." Harry playfully elbows Ron as they take a seat."

"You know, you could ask Cho to the dance." Ron nods over at Cho's table at the twirling tea cup area.

"I could…" Harry looks at Cho's table, to see Cho smiling back at him. "You know, I think I will." Harry stands up and walks over to Cho's table. Harry runs his hands through his hair. "So baby, wanna go with mack daddy H-PO to the Mule ball?" He quickly flexes his muscles and gives her a wink.

Cho giggles then looks into Harry's eyes. "Nope, sorry 'H-PO' but Cedric already asked me to go with him." Harry's jaw drops.

"But…but…what about after?" Harry sits facing her.

"Oh, after the dance, him and I are going back to his dorm to have wild, unprotected, wizard on witch, 'spell binding.'" She smiles as she thinks about it.

"Then after, could we go out?" Harry stands up hoping that they might.

"No, sorry Harry, after that, Cedric and I are going to get married."

Harry stumbles back, then quickly thinks of something to say. "What if say, Cedric dies?"

Cho thinks about it. "Well then, sure. I don't see why not." She smiles at Harry and turns back to her food. Harry walks back to his table with a smile on his face.

Ron notices the smile. "So I take it that you're going to the Mule ball with Cho."

Harry smiles. "Nope."

"You're going to be dating after the dance?"

"Nope, wrong again."

"You're going to be dating later?"

"Yep, right after Cedric dies."

"All right! Way to go Harry!"

Hermoine wiggles her eyebrows. "That's awful!"

Ron turns towards Hermoine. "And who are you going with?"

Hermoine blushes. "Well, I was hoping that you would ask me to go with you."

Ron looks at Hermoine. Then looks at Harry. Harry looks at Ron. Then they both look at Hermoine, and laugh. Hermoine turns red with anger. "What's so funny about that?"

Harry, who managed to stop laughing for a bit answers first. "Blahahaha. Good one Hermoine. Ron wouldn't go out with a Mud-Blood. Blahahaha."

Ron, who is drying up some tears answers next. "And besides, I'm to poor to be seen with the likes of you! Hahahahaha.

Hermoine quickly stands up and runs out of the great hall. Everyone is laughing at her as she runs out. Some people yell out "mud-blood," others yell out, "pretty girl," while someone yells out, "Weirdo with the eyebrows." After thirty minutes of laughter, Ron looks back at Harry.

"We really need to find some dates."

Harry thinks about it. "I think I know who we could take."

Loud music can be heard coming from the Grand Hall. Everyone there is dressed up all pretty and stuff. Ron and Harry arrive there with their dates.

"Ron, you need to take off that coat. It's starting to make me paranoid." Harry jabs at Ron's coat.

"My mother insisted on me having this coat. Something about it being in the Weasley family for generations." Ron's ugly green patch worked coat begins to growl at some plastic fruit. Ron slaps the coat and looks back at Harry. "You don't think anyone would question our dates, do you?"

"If they do, we'll just tell them that our dates are from a different country."

"Bloody brilliant, Harry. Scary, but brilliant." Ron says as he holds up his date over his shoulders.

"I know. I know." Harry begins to drag his date, a manikin, to the grand hall's doors, with Ron following behind, with his manikin date on his shoulder.

Professor McGonagall is at the door, collecting tickets. She sees Harry and Ron with their "dates." "Hello boys, I see you two have _bought_ your dates."

Harry is still dragging the manikin. "You know it Prof." He hands McGonagall the ticket and walks right in.

Ron is busy looking for his ticket. "I know I have it some where!"

McGonagall looks at Ron. "Of course dear. But no worries. We have a special place for poor children like you." She points to a door and Ron walks towards it, manikin on shoulder.

"What's in here?"

"You'll see." McGonagal smiles and turns back to the other children with tickets.

Ron opens the door and walks through. He instantly falls through the floor. After four minutes of falling, Ron finally lands in a big pile of garbage. Ron looks around and quickly asks out loud. "Is this where the poor kids' dance is?"

A voice from no where answers. "This B the place."

Back at the Mule ball, Harry is dancing around the dance floor with his manikin date.

"Harry!" A voice calls to him from the top of some stairs. Harry looks to find Hermoine in a beautiful white dress. Harry's jaw drops.

"Hermoine! You're absolutely gorgeous!" Hermoine blushes. "How the hell did you get in here??" Harry suddenly yells.

"Wha…what do you mean?" Hermoine said, sounding upset.

"Only ugly girls are allowed here!" He begins tearing off pieces from her dress. "There is no way you could be in here!" He throws some gruel on her dress.

Hermoine, crying, tells Harry, "Victor Krum invited me!"

Harry pours a bucket of pig's blood on her. "Well obviously, Victor is blind! Only ugly girls!" Harry tosses a vial of acid on her face. Hermoine runs off screaming. "that should take care of her. Now, where were we my ugly manikin date." Harry looks around for it and eventually finds it in the arms of Victor.

Victor is dancing around with the manikin. He begins ravishing the manikin with kisses. "I must have been totally blind. Inviting that beautiful Hermoine, when I could have been tapping you." He stares deeply into the manikin's dull grey eyes.

Harry, seeing all of this, falls to his knees. "NOoooooooo! Mani! I love-ed did you!!" He cries silently.

**Chapter 13: Almost done**

Everyone is in the Grand Hall. Dumbledork, like always, is up at the podium with his wand at his neck.

"Attention everyone!" Everyone was already quiet. "The final event is to happen in three days. The final event, also known as the Maze of doomness, the Path of death, and also known as, 'The Diggory Ending" is the most challenging, and difficult challenge. The contestants will have to use all their skills and knowledge to survive this. For if they show any sign of weakness, or stupidity, they will be crushed and killed in that maze and their body may never be found. EVER!" Dumbledork jabs his wand deep into his neck. "EVER!"

A new year student raises her hand. "Why is this challenge so difficult?"

Dumbledork looks at the student. "Because your mom was so difficult! OOohhhh, told you what! How you like me now, biz-natch!" Dumbledork moonwalks towards the girl and slaps her. "Any more questions?" Cedric raises his hand.

"What do we win, if we complete this challenge?"

Dumbledork moonwalks back to his podium. "Good question my boy. Hey, did I ever mention that you were my favorite student? You're such a good boy." Dumbledork walks over to Cedric and rubs his head. "Aren't you a good boy! Aren't you just a good little boy!"

Cedric looks hard at Dumbledork. "Can you please answer my question?"

Dumbledork steps back, hurt by Cedric's words, slowly answer him. "Well… the first person to reach the end of the maze, must touch the giblet of fire in order to win the tournament."

Cedric stands up. "And that giblet will look nice in my closet!" people begin to cheer.

Dumbledork looks at Cedric, now filled with anger. "Not if I have anything to do with it."

Cedric looks at Dumbledork. "Did you say something, dung catcher?"

"No, nothing at all." Dumbledork smiles. "Nothing, at all."

Hermoine sits next to Harry. She wiggles her eyebrows. "I'm scared for you Harry. I have this feeling that something really bad is going to happen."

Harry looks at Hermoine. "I feel it too."

Hermoine looks around. "Hey, where's Ron?" Harry shrugs.

Down the garbage chute, Ron is still partying.

"Us poor kids, sure know how to dance!" Ron is dancing topless on top of an old desk while a group of rats and owls cheer him on.

Harry is on his way back to his dorm when Snape stops him.

"So Harry, how did you find out about that plant?"

Harry looks hard at Snape. "From your mom!"

Snape looks unaffected. "Well, if you can't answer me that, then where did you get the plant from?"

"Your mom!"

Snape grabs Harry by his ears. "Damn it boy! I know it was you who broke into my cupboard and stole my precious plant!" Snape loosens his grip on Harry's ears and begins to rub them.

Harry slaps Snape's hands off of him and runs off.

Snape, smells his fingers then licks them. "You'll be back Potty."

In Dumbledork's office, Harry is nosing around. "I know my permanent record is somewhere in here." Harry begins toppling stuff over, breaking them. Eventually, he comes to a bowl with shining silver liquid. Harry stares into it. "Booze! It's Dumbledork's secret stash of hardcore XXXX booze!" Harry instantly dunks his head in. Before he knows it, Harry's body is sucked right into it. He falls through, eventually landing in what appeared to be a wizard court room. He walks around, poking the mysterious wizards, noticing that his hand goes right through him. Then he sees a younger Dumbledore, staring intently to the center. Harry looks to the center to see a small cage, big enough for one man, rise from the ground. Inside the cage was captain Short Beard. The inside of the cage was lined with spikes, pointing towards Short Beard.

"Captain Short Beard, you are guilty of conspiring with Him. How do you plead?" A fat wizard addresses to Short Beard.

"Yar, I plead insanity!" Short Beard bites one of the spikes.

Another wizard stands up and address Short Beard. "We will strike a deal with you. If you tell us the names of the other death eaters, we will let you go and you may have your ship back."

Short Beard thinks about it for a minute, looks at a man in a leather jacket then looks back at the judge. "Yar! If you want the one in charge of driving the Longbottoms insane," he points to the man in the leather coat, "he be your man! I know, no others!"

The man in the leather coat stands up and begins to run. Suddenly Dumbledore stands up and reaches both hands into his robe. He then pulls out two .45 pistols and begins firing them at the man in the coat. The man in the coat reaches into his jacket and pulls out an MP5 submachine gun and fires back at Dumbledore. Dumbledore begins side stepping, dodging the bullets coming at him, and keeping up face with the man in the jacket. Bullets are flying everywhere. Harry ducks behind a table but then realizes that he can't be hurt. Harry watches as wooden tables splinters from the impact of the bullets. Papers and books fly up in the air. Several wizards are hiding behind chairs. Others are hit by the bullets, their blood spewing up into the air. Harry stood there in shock as the wizard he stood next to, took a bullet to the head. Harry could hear the bullet force it's way through his skull, and the squishing noise it made as it collided with brain. Harry looked over at Dumbledore who had his back to a pillar and was reloading.

The man in the coat was behind another pillar reloading. He yelled over to Dumbledore. "You'll never take me alive!" He cocks his MP5.

"Wouldn't dream of it!" Dumbledore slams the .45's clips into both of his guns and turns around the corner of the pillar. At the same time, the man in the coat turns the corner of his pillar and both men begin to walk at each other, both firing their guns at one another. Harry gasps as he sees a bullet enter Dumbledore's shin and shoulder. Harry looks over at the man in the coat to see a bullet enter his abdomen and hand, causing the man to drop his gun. Dumbledore places one of his guns at the man's head.

"Go ahead Dumbledore, I bet you won't pull it!" The man spits into Dumbledore's face.

Dumbledore wipes off the spit. "You're right." He pulls the gun away from the man's head, flips it so that he's holding the barrel of the gun, and clubs the man in the head, repeatedly, knocking the man out.

Harry was about to say something until he felt a hand on his shoulder. The hand gripped on to his shoulder so tightly that it cracked, and the hand pulled him out. Before Harry knew it, he was back in Dumbledore's office, staring at an angered Dumbledork.

"What the hell do you think you're doing in my office?" Dumbledork jabs his elbow into Harry's abdomen.

Harry coughs up blood. "I was looking for candy…and I…" Dumbledork cuts him off.

"Candy huh?" He grabs a hand full of thumb tacks. "Here's some candy for you!" He jams them down Harry's throat. Harry could feel the thumb tacks stabbing into his tongue, some getting caught down in his throat. He could even feel some of them poking through his cheek and neck. Dumbledork spins Harry around. "Now get the hell out of my office!" He kicks Harry, right in his spine. He closes the door and Harry falls to the ground in pain. Dumbledork quickly goes to his drawer and opens it. "I'm so glad he didn't find you." Dumbledork begins to pet an ordinary rock.

Harry Potter quickly dashes down the hall, heading back to the grand hall when he hears voices.

"Yar, you need to back off of me beard boy. That was long ago! I no longer serve, Him! You should do the same Serverus! You can always come run away with me. I have a ship! We could sail far away from here!" Short Beard was cornered in a closet. Harry could see that he was talking to Snape.

"Who said anything about the dark lord? I've just been very lonely." He runs his fingers up along Short Beard's neck. "I've just missed you and all and…" he turns to see Harry. He quickly shuts the door.

Harry begins running. "Is there nothing sane any more?" Harry thinks as he runs by Buzz Lightyear. Harry finally makes it into the grand hall, blood still streaming down from the puncture wounds on his neck. Harry runs in between Ron and Hermoine. "Guys! You won't believe what I saw!"

Hermoine quickly shakes her eyebrows. "What is it now Harry? Can't you see that Ron and I were having a very important meeting."

Harry looks confused. "A meeting on what?"

Ron smiles. "Your mom!" Ron and Hermoine laugh and both slap hands.

Harry, still looking confused. "Alright…any ways, I saw a vision or a movie of Dumbledore! And in it was Short beard and apparently, he used to be a death eater. In the movie, Short beard points out another death eater and the guy starts to run and Dumbledore stood up and took out his guns and started shooting and the other guy started shooting and Dumbledore was all like, 'Die you non-believer!' and the other guy was like, 'Nevar!' and yeah. It was cool." He sits down.

Ron and Hermoine both look at each other then at Harry.

Hermoine speaks first. "Harry, I'm speaking first for Ron and I, and what we are going to tell you is that, you're crazy. Your father was crazy, your mom was crazy, and you're crazy. No one likes you. There is nothing special about you. You are not a great wizard. Your spells are crap. A fetus could defeat you in potions making. Flying a broom isn't that cool or takes a great amount of skills. The only reason why you always catch the snitch is because of us."

Ron speaks up next. "The only reason why we are friends is because I have no other friends. Hermoine is only your friend because she mistaken you for an ugly girl. Your stupid owl doesn't like you because you treat it horrible. We have all agreed that if we were in Uncle Vernon's shoes, we would beat you."

Harry, speechless, stands up.

Hermoine stands up and puts her arm around Harry. "I know this is a lot of information to take in, but please don't let it destroy your life."

Harry looks at Hermoine as if she was crazy. "You crazy? I would never let Voldemort destroy me!"

Hermoine steps away from Harry. "Didn't you hear a single word we said?"

"Of course I did. This is what you both said." Harry turns to Hermoine. "You said, 'Oh Harry, your father was brave, your mother was brave, and you're even braver. Everyone likes you. There is something very special about you. You are a great wizard. Your spells are amazing. You are so talented, that you could even defeat a million fetuses. Flying a broom is so cool, and takes a great amount of skills. That is the only reason why you always catch the snitch.'" He then turns to Ron. "And Ron, you said, 'The only reason why we are friends is because I have no other friends. Hermoine is only your friend because she knew you were better then any other girl and turned her straight. Your owl adores you because you beat it so well. We have all agreed that if we were in Uncle Vernon's shoes, we would hug you." He turns back to Hermoine. "Then that is when you said, I know this is a lot of information to take in, but please don't let Voldemort destroy your life, you mean to much.'" He faces the both of them. "Guys, I understand how much you care about me, but don't worry." He smiles. "I'm Harry Potter!" He hops onto his broom and flies out of the great hall.

Hermoine looks at Ron. "What a moron."

**Chapter 14: The Maze**

Dumbledork, facing the audience that came to watch the final match, places his wand to his neck. "Welcome everyone to the final match of the Quad Wizard Tournament!" He raises his hands in the air, expecting a huge applause but once again, and always, he is denied. "As I was saying, these four young wizards will embark into the maze of wonder to find the Wizard's cup. The first one to make it to the end will win the tournament, and this brand new car!" Dumbledork walks over to an item hidden beneath a tarp. He quickly pulls the tarp off to reveal a Honda Civic. "Isn't that awesome folks. Man…I can imagine myself in that car. Any who, on my mark…" Seeher, Cedric, Victor, and Harry get into a sprint stance. "Get set!" The four contestants begin to sway. "GO!"

Seeher is the first to run into the maze, instantly disappearing. Cedric hops onto his broom and begins to fly over the maze. Harry gets onto his knees and starts shuffling in. Victor, on the other hand, hops into the Honda Civic and begins to drive right through the maze.

In the maze, Seeher is frantically looking around, trying to escape the maze. Weird eerily sounds chase her around as she tries to find the Wizard's cup. She eventually finds some flowers. "Aww, aren't they so pretty!" As she is about to pick one up, toxic gasses shoot into her face. "AHHhh! Nerve gas!" She begins hacking and eventually passes out. The Maze's forest walls begin to wrap a root around her ankle. Seeher gains consciousness. "I can't breathe! My ankle!" She begins grasping for air, but the root wouldn't let go of her ankle. Seeher slowly fades away.

Cedric is happily flying over the maze when he finally sees the center. At the center of the maze sits a small glowing object. Cedric knows that it's the cup that everyone is looking for. He begins to fly forward towards the cup when a rabid squirrel grabs Cedric out of the sky. Cedric begins tumbling towards the ground, wrestling with the rabid squirrel. Cedric slowly reaches for his wand but the squirrel was to quick and managed to kick the wand out of Cedric's hand. The squirrel places it's teeny tiny paws on Cedric's neck and Cedric begins to gag for air.

Victor is just cruising through the maze, without a care in the world. He figures that if he continues to drive straight, he will eventually hit the middle. Victor kept imagining winning the cup and how all the ugly girls would flock towards him. By the time Victor snapped back into reality, he realized that he was about to hit into a wall. In attempt to save his life, he quickly swerved, and managed to only hit the wall with the side of his car. But because he wasn't wearing his seat belt, he flew through the front window. The windshields broken glass dug it's way deep into his head. As his head skidded along the ground, the sharpened glass dug even deeper. He slowly stood up and brushed him self off. He began to take out the glass from his face, that is until his thumb got pricked. In an instant, Victor died.

Harry continued shuffling along, following the signs that pointed to the cup. Harry eventually came to a sign that said that the cup is at the next turn, but before Harry went around the next turn, he heard some gasping. He looked to see Cedric, battling the rabid squirrel who was choking him. Harry took aim with his wand and blasted the little critter to nothing.

Cedric stands up. "Thanks for the help Harry. Let's take the cup together!"

Harry looks at Cedric. "Who said I was aiming for the squirrel? But that's a great idea, that way, Dumbledork won't kill me, and everyone will think you're cool! Hop on!"

Cedric straddles Harry and Harry shuffles his way to the cup.

The cup was suspended over a stone podium. Cedric and Harry both laid their hands on the cup at the same time. As soon as they did, they lifted up in the air and started to spin.

"A port key!" Cedric said as he hung on.

"Wot?" Harry said like he always does.

Finally, they land in some strange old grave yard where a strange old chateau sat over looking the strange old grave yard.

Cedric looks around. "I guess this is where we're going to eat our victory meal at."

Harry quickly runs up to Cedric and shakes him wildly. "No you fool! You must run away! Far away from here!"

Harry and Cedric are about to run when a familiar voice stops Harry.

"Running away so soon?" Peter Penningsworth calls lightly to Harry.

"Wormtail! I shall kill you where you stand!" Harry points his wand at Wormtail.

"I think not!" Wormtail had his wand out and hexed the statue behind Harry to hold him back.

Harry struggles in the arms of the statue. "Cedric! Where are you?!" Harry looks around to see Cedric already hoping over the grave yard fence.

Wormtail walks up to Harry. "There is something I need from you."

Harry wiggles. "Not my virginity! Anything but my virginity!" Harry opens his legs up wide.

Wormtail shields his eyes. "Not that you pervert!" He takes out a knife. "I just need your blood! Wormtail slowly puts the knife near Harry's arm. Blood begins to ooze out.

"You're a monster, Wormtail!"

"Boy, I haven't even pricked you yet and you're bleeding like a pig!" Wormtail walks over to a cauldron that already has some strange looking liquids in it.

"Blood of an annoying boy." He flicks the knife so that the blood falls into the cauldron. "And now, the hand of a faithful follower!" Wormtail takes out his knife and begins cutting at his wrist. "Bloody knife is dull!" Not realizing that he was using the other side of the knife, Wormtail begins to chew his own hand off. Finally, after 30 minutes, the hand falls in. "And now, for the master!" Harry slowly awakes from his nap to see a strange figure, slowly descend down the wall.

"Hello Harry Potter." The voice groggily says. "It's…been a while."

Harry strains his eyes to see this person better. Then he realizes who it is. "Gollum! You'll never get the one ring! EVER!" Harry begins to struggle even more.

Gollum finally reaches the ground. "Oh yes I will Harry! But before I take the one ring, I must place the master into the cauldron." Gollum turns around and Harry sees that a strange green baby thing was cradled on Gollum's back. Gollum takes the baby thing off of his back and kicks it into the cauldron. The cauldron began to bubble over and crack. Suddenly, the whole cauldron explodes, and out of no where, a taller green thing emerged. Harry's eyes widened.

"Voldermort!" Harry began wiggling even harder.

Everyone in the area shuddered.

Voldermot looked at Harry. "Don't say that name. Gives me the shivers."

Gollum begins hopping up and down. "He's back! My precious! Yay!" Gollum was about to hop up again but was hit with a fire ball.

Cedric then points his wand at Voldermort. "No body moves! Or else you'll all get what Gollum got!"

Harry wiggles. "I'm so glad to see you Cedric!" A fire ball flies by his head. "Hey! What's the big idea!"

"I said, no body moves!"

Voldemort slowly walks up to Cedric. "Now, why would you want to hurt me, Cedric Diggory."

Cedric stares at Voldemort intently. Little does Cedric know that Wormtail is positioning himself behind Cedric, on all fours.

Cedric spits in disgust. "Because you're green. I hate the color green."

Voldemort, looking hurt, takes another step closer to Cedric. "Then, I guess it's time for you to take a trip!" Voldemort shoves Cedric hard. Cedric trips backwards over Wormtail who was crouched behind his legs.

Harry looks in horror. "NOooooo Cedric!"

Cedric's head hits a moss patch. Voldemort and Wormtail let out a maniacal laugh.

Voldemort turns to Harry. Voldemort flicks his wand and the statue's arm releases Harry. Harry charges at Voldemort. Voldemort simply places his hand on Harry's head and keeps Harry from getting any closer. Harry is standing there, swinging his arms. Eventually, Voldemort pushes Harry back. "Raise your wand boy. We shall have a wizards duel." Voldemort points his wand at Harry. Harry slowly raises his and aims it at Voldemort. "Bye bye, Harry Potter. Abarakadaba!" The green beam, shoots out of his wand at Harry.

Harry remembering a spell, "Expecto Patronum!" A stupid silver stag charges head first into the green beam. As the stag collides with the green beam, souls of the one's that Voldemort has slain, begin to rise up. The souls create a protective shield around Harry. Harry then sees two faces that he quickly recognizes.

"Obi Won Kenobi! Yoda!" Harry smiles.

Obi Won Kenobi slowly closes his eyes. "Hurry up Harry and use the Force."

Yoda starts vibrating. "Force not strong in this one, stronger in Ron child."

Then out of no where, Darth Vader's face pops up. "Harry! That stag is not your father…"

Harry interrupts. "Yeah, yeah, we all know, blah blah blah, I'm your father."

Vader spiritually slaps Harry. "No fool! I'm just telling you that, the stupid stag is not your father and you need to escape!"

Harry is about to run for the port key when Cedric's soul pops up. "Don't forget to take my body with you. I don't want to be left in a grave yard."

Harry gives them all a quick nod, pulls the cup close to him as he holds Cedric's body, and the port key does its' magic.

Dumbledork is pacing back and forth. "Where is that damn child and that cup?" Then before he knows it, Harry and Cedric's body come out of no where. Dumbledork looks at them amazed. He quickly places his wand to his neck. "Everyone! The winner of the Quad Wizard tournament is Harry Potter!"

Everyone in the bleachers come running towards Harry, smiling, laughing, and all giving him pats on the back. They all lift Harry above their heads. Harry is bouncing alone on top above the crowd, smiling as he holds up the wizard's cup. Then everyone hears crying.

Hermoine runs up to Cho. "What's a matter Cho?"

Cho looks into Hermoine's face, tears streaming down her face. "Cedric is dead!"

Many people scream. Other's start crying. Mr. Diggory comes running in.

"Oh, now everyone is crying. I've been crying for a while people. It's time to move on. It's over! " Mr. Diggory throws his hands up in the air like he gives up and walks away.

Dumbledork looks over at Cedric's body. "Oh no…that poor boy." He quickly looks over at Harry and gives him a wink. "Good job boy." Dumbledork get's a hand towel and places it over Cedric's body. He then says to himself, "Got rid of everyone in his way." Then Dumbledork quickly runs to Harry, snatches the cup out of his hand so then everyone drops Harry and carries Dumbledork up instead.

**Chapter 15: Imposter Moody**

Crazy eyed Moody grabs Harry's arm. "Come with me boy, you're hurt."

Harry looks at himself to see that he's cleaner looking then Moody. "Naw, I'm alright."

Moody starts dragging Harry. "No no, you're hurt. I'll fix you up."

Up in Moody's tower, Moody is frantically searching for some whisky…I mean Poly morph juice.

While looking around for his "juice" Moody begins talking to Harry. "So, how did you like my help?"

Harry looks up curiously at him. "What do you mean, 'my help?' It was all me. I'm the great Harry Potter, I wouldn't need the help from some gross nasty guy."

Moody stops, and slowly turns to Harry. "Oh, I did help. It was all me!" As he speaks, spit comes out of his mouth. "I'm the one who told you about the broom! I'm the one that drugged the dragon! I'm the one that stole that plant for you! I'm the one that paid off the Mer people. I'm the one that made the Wizard's Cup a port key! I'm the one who helped the Dark Lord rise into power again!"

Harry wipes off his face. He slowly stares Moody into the eye. "It was you! You're the reason why Cedric is dead!"

Moody let's out a low laugh. "If you would rather place the blame on me, then yes, it was my fault. But it will also be my fault that Harry Potter is dead!" Moody is about to choke him when his door is knocked down. Snape and Dumbledork storm into Moody's room. Before Moody could chant out a spell, Snape had already disarmed him. Dumbledork quickly took out his gun and placed it on Moody's forehead.

Harry, in a shock of surprise looks over at Dumbledork. "What's going on?"

Snape, still watching Moody, speaks to Harry. "This is not the real Mad Eye Moody. He is an imposter."

Harry rolls his eyes. "Well duuuuhhh. What didn't you get? The whole, 'My name is Crazy Eyed Moody.' Or the fact that the real Mad Eye Moody is uglier?"

Snape continues on as if he didn't hear Harry. "I discovered that his so called 'Poly Morph juice' was actually whisky! And that he really is…"

As he's about to say this, Crazy Eyed Moody's face begins to transform. After shaking and wiggling and vibrating and all of that crazy stuff, Harry realizes who the imposter really is.

"It's the man with the leather coat! The one I saw at the Quidditch cup game and in the pensive!"

The man in the coat sweats as Dumbledork presses the gun harder onto his head. "And I would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for you meddling kids and your stupid dog."

Harry quickly runs up to the man and slaps him. "That's what you get for messing with Harry Potter!"

The man quickly pushes Dumbledork out of the way and leaps at Harry. But before the man could lay a hand on Harry, a gun shot is heard. Harry could see the bullet penetrate through the man's left dimple and exit out of the man's right cheek, with a bit of teeth flying out after the bullet. His blood paints Harry's face.

"Thanks professor." Harry, shaken, says to Dumbledork.

Dumbledork blows the smoke away from his gun's barrel. "Yeah, no problem kid, but just to let you know, I was actually aiming for you."

Chapter 16: School is over.

Everyone is at a grave yard and Harry is saying the last words.

"Well, Since I was the last one to see him alive, I guess it's only right for me to have the last saying. Not you, or you, or even you. Well, what can I say? Cedric was an arse. I hated the guy's guts. He was a big jerk. But now that he's gone, I have Cho all to myself. I also have the Wizard's Cup all to myself. Before we lay Cedric to rest, he had one last thing to tell me. He said, 'I don't want to be left in a grave yard."

People begin to cry.

"Thank you Cedric for being a complete arse." Harry looks up at Dumbledork. Dumbledork comes up to the podium.

"That was very sweet Harry. Now everyone, the big feast will be held in Hogwarts' grand hall. And let us pay thanks to Harry who used his winnings to buy back Hogwarts." Dumbledork looks over at the two grave diggers and gives them a nod. The two grave diggers nod back, and the short fat one kicks Cedric's rotting corpse into the three foot deep whole while the tall skinny grave digger throws in Seeher's corpse and Victors body into the same whole. They pile the dirt on the bodies and after covering up the hole, Cedric's left arm and right foot are still sticking up out of the ground, Seeher's butt is in the air, and Victor's head, popping out of the ground.

Harry is walking towards the great hall with Hermoine to one side and Ron to the other.

Hermoine looks over at Harry and starts to laugh.

"What's so funny Hermoine?" Ron and Harry both ask her at the same time.

Hermoine finally catches a breath. "Well, Harry has to go back to Uncle Vernon's house where he will be abused. And you poor boy, you have to go back to your crappy garbage can that you call a home. While I will go back home to my personal mansion where my family and I are going to go skiing. Have a fun summer boys!" She skips off into the grand hall.

Ron looks at Harry. "Well, you could come over to my house and spend the summer with me."

Harry looks at Ron and begins laughing. "I would rather be abused by Uncle Vernon then stay at your dump for the whole summer." Harry lets out a loud rude laugh and skips into the grand hall.

Ron slowly walks in. "Well, I tried to get my family more food, but that Harry is stubborn."

**The End**

**Epilogue:**

Harry is tossing and turning in bed. Letting out low cries for help as he dreams. He finally sits up in bed, a cold sweat, running down his neck. He looks at his Mickey the Mouse watch. "Only 4:39." He hops out of bed and walks to the bathroom. After a long urine break, he goes to the sink and washes off his face. He then looks at himself in the mirror. He sits there, staring into his own eyes. Then he picks up a bar of soap and slams it into the mirror, instantly shattering the glass into a billion pieces. The glass showers the floor. Harry then slowly lays on top of the glass, feeling the glass slice through his skin. As Harry laid on the glass bedded floor, he let's out a sigh of relief. Then he slowly and quietly says to himself, "I told aunt Petunia that this bar of soap was to hard." And falls back to sleep.

And look also for: "The Sorcerer's Kidney Stone," "The Clamber of Secrets," "The Prisoner of the Asylum," "Order a round for the Phoenix," and "The No Blood Prince",


End file.
